"Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further…And on one fine morning… So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." – Fitzgerald
I sit here, pondering existence and purpose. The computer clock reads 12:44 A.M., and I am very tired. Tired not from lack of sleep, nor from pain, sickness, suffering, but from confusion. I am told that I have my life ahead of me, endless opportunity. Which is mostly true. I am 18, no major ailments, excellent physical condition. I have no financial obligations, I have been accepted to every college I have applied to, and most of my college has been paid for. It seems that everything would fit from the outside looking in. I have a loving family, nice house, good education. I have everything I could ever physically need, but my soul is restless, waiting for something greater. Sometimes I feel as if I am a specter, moving from place to place, saying the same old thing to the same people. My spiritual life is quite the same, static feeling that I sometimes get. I am a Catholic, and do believe in God, but I wonder, always wonder. I trust in God in mind, but do I truly believe in the heart? Questions, questions…
Where do I go from here? What should my goals be? Do I need goals? The swirls and twirls float around me like a tornado, twisting and clouding my mind with light and color. Where is my place? Will I be like the morning dew, finally gravitating toward something solid to settle? Or will I be the wind, cold and emotionless, drifting toward the heat of life, just to push it away? I feel no drive to accomplish, to achieve anymore. I have many interests, which I pursue and then discard, like the leaves are discarded by the trees outside my window. I have often wanted to be a physicist, but I do not know if it is for the name or for me. I look up to the sky in wonder, seeing things so much greater than I had ever seen. I look around me, at how people walk, how a ball flies, and wonder. I read of particles, of the lack of randomosity and the presence of Chaos, and I see God. I see Pi and the Golden Angle, and I am entrapped by their seductive secrets. I have often wanted to be a philosopher, only to realize each man is his own philosopher, and my ideas might not have bearing to others.
Am I to marry, or stay single? Should I become a priest? Have children? Who will love me for my own ideas and personality? How can I connect with people who I cannot understand or empathize with? I have friends, both male and female, but I seem to be moving farther and farther away from them. People change, gain new friends, go to new places, find new interests. I change in the same way, but I have not found anyone who changes with me.
I am very angry. Angry at the world and its problems that have become my problems. Not for my sake, for my problems are few and mainly superficial, but for the sake of fellow man. Who decides that this person shall die and this person should live? Or how one person may eat, but another must starve? I am angry at hypocrisy, greed, deceit, nescience, petulance, and hate. These problems have become my problems, and I am a genesis of these problems, too. The greatest of my anger comes from a question: What am I to do?
In my anger, confusion, and wonder I find solace. I learn of Life, of its great mysteries, intricacies, generalities, and so much more. I learn to learn, not just the increase of knowledge, but of wisdom, emotion, and love. Each day is a challenge, not just of momentary feats of strength, intelligence, or compassion, but of learning to Live.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”-Kafka