A short article on my thoughts of my faith
Today I participated in the sacrament of reconciliation. Others may mock my Catholicism, which is usually the case, for our traditions are misinterprated and bastardized by so many, yet the few who understand are quite inspiring. After Reconciliation, pouring my heart out to a religious scholar and getting a frank yet hope filling response makes me feel better than I have in a long time. Not necessarily because my sins have been absolved, but because of my meditation afterword and the meaning I get out of these things. I start to understand things again. In one of my last articles I expressed anger that I was a loser, that I could feel something nagging at me, waiting to bring me down. I could just be on the upswing this time, or I could be changed once again with another of my spiritual milestones. For a long time I have been naive, and I still am to a great extent. For a long time I thought that I was a loser, and nothing would become of my life, which still may be true. For a long time I have held self pity, which I still do. Do I know whether or not I am going to heaven? No, I do not. My head has almost shrunk into my shoulders with the weightiness of my thoughts, which is a new feeling to me, even if it is not for most bloggers, which makes me all though more confused. Even this article is making me more bewildered at my life, but at this point in my life, I could care less. Am I a apathatic and vain teenager? Yes, of course. Do I care? No, not really, for I am hoping that I trust more in God. I sin quite a lot, and I have found out why I sin today. I hope it is a realization which guides me through my whole life, yet I know that even so I will fail miserably again. Do you know why? Probably you do if you are a true Christian, which I may not be, for I am a hypocrite in many ways. It is to fully rely on God. I am not a leader, and I have a low self-motivation, a weak and crippled character, and almost childlike morals, blaming things on everything but myself. I had always thought of myself as smarter than the average person, but I have realized that I am not, I only had the drive to appear smarter to others because I had nothing else to flaunt which I thought would impress anyone. I have laid myself defenseless, for I have almost nothing of this world that I can hide behind anymore, for I have no conviction to be a doctor, a lawyer, an important member of society. All I want to be is myself, and I want to have an open heart to God, fully relying on his grace to save what is left of my innocence. Wow, that felt good to write down. Haha, I feel like such a fool. Everything I do seems foolish, but I guess I don't care. My self-interests in computers and becoming knowledgeable seem foolish, my grades seem a foolish mockery of what I am, my education wasted on something that didn't even care. It seems now that all I want is God, for I can never really own something else. I don't exactly know what that means, but I just feel like writing it. I feel deranged, but I don't care. Hmmm. So confuseled. Yes, thats my new word. Anyways, I think I am done talking for today, hope you have a whirligigy day, and God Bless.
QED
Jay