Am I always going to be a loser, or is this just a phase?

Time and Time again I have left the road less travelled.

Published on March 19, 2004 By TARSIER In Blogging

I feel the familiar symtpoms overwhelm me again, and one by one the great values and ideals that I had so worked out fall apart. Sometimes things just click for me, everything fits into place and I have never been happier. Such times I have expressed in "Stars" and "A Christian Nirvana?". I can feel it like a hand guiding me, out of my body my fears, hates, annoyances disappear like a fine mist. I touch something, and I am extremely good at it. Doesn't really matter what it is, whether a sport, computer game, class, or idea, I learn it fast, retain it, and master it. I feel good about being me, I feel smart, happy, funny, ready to grab the world by the throat and make a difference. Then it happens. It strikes, and I can never see it. Like the Lord of the Flies, it is in the very depths of me, waiting till I am on my pedestal. I know it is coming, can feel it's breath against my neck. Even now the hairs on the back of my neck rise, waiting for the blow. My mind is caught in a hunter's snare of blackness, my thinking clouded by fear. I realize how little I know, how small I am in this world. I feel insignificant, and people pass me by as if I am invisible, which usually doesn't bother me, but now it seems to matter. I have always been quite detached from the world, and now it pulls at me. I feel self-conscious. I feel like I need something I don't have. I wonder if I will ever be married and have kids, or if I will ever succeed in my life's purpose of attaining the state of Heaven, or if I will ever conquer my goals of being something to better the world. Do I have depression? I don't know, but I doubt it. I think I just realize for a time a different side of me, a dark side. While trying to be more and more faithful, I realize how weak of a person I am. I have almost no morals, no self control, no motivation for school or community work, only for my well paid job which I work hard at. Oh Lord, Please help me. And for all you bloggers out there, Please pray for me that I don't turn out to be a lonely miser living in the stix of the world.

Thank you and have a Pseudo-Ironic Day,
Jay

Comments

Enigma16

on Mar 20, 2004

First off, I'd like to say that I couldn't have said it better myself. I think you, in a way, stole the feelings from right underneath me. You're not a loser and this is not a phase. Maybe you're just one of the few who can see yourself and just life from this other point. Many people go through life just being depressed or content with what it is they have or don't have and often, when they're upset with what they don't have, they don't really question it deeply, they just complain about it. From your article, it seems your different. You seem like an interesting person and maybe this confusion is the price you have to pay for being interesting. It's like you understand more about the world, people, your surroundings and thus, you question more, and you understand less. I don't think you're depressed, persay, perhaps just....I don't know what the word for it is, because if I did, I could finally describe myself. I'm not gonna tell you to hang in there or tell you that everything works out in the end, because I think you know all that, or at least you've heard it before. But I will leave you with a great quote from a not so great song, but one that I have found to be unbelievably true: "Life has a funny way of sneaking up on ya when you think everything's ok and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping ya out when you think everything's going wrong and everything blows up in your face." Maybe this is a test. Who knows...

TARSIER

on Mar 20, 2004

Thank You for commenting. Wow, another day has passed.

new-age nomad

on Mar 24, 2004

*hugs jay* you poor guy, yes your are weak, but so is everyone else. It only makes you a genius that you acknowlege it....and that's why enjoy reading your blog so much.

Have a ___ ___ day.

Trinitie

Marvin Cooley

on Mar 24, 2004

It sounds to me Tarsier that you are a big DUMMY who can't find the right road of life!!!

wnx_decoy

on Mar 24, 2004

Is this "weekness" the only thing that truly holds all of us here in the JoeUser world together? I feel the same way quite often and you know, I totally understand that nobody else feels these things and that it sets us apart. Maybe it's just something that brings us all together here to speak our minds of what has been eating at us. Of course, if you've read any of my articles, you can see that I just want to figure everything out that I can. A fine example, IMO, is my "Food Stuck In Your Teeth" article. Who knows, maybe you are a loser, but then so are the rest of us so don't feel so bad about it. And if it isn't just a phase than I'm in depression with you. Yah!!!! I've never had a mental disorder before!!!!

Capt. over and out! ™

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